


Splinters of a Boy from the Sea

by PrincessFawna



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Poetry, Romance, index included, there are subsections to the sections, way too many references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 12:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19425949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessFawna/pseuds/PrincessFawna
Summary: Destruction , artificial intelligence, heart, and love--all of these encompass a man.A poetry chapbook of meditations concerning Dirk Strider and how love affects him.





	1. I:  The Prince of Destruction - The Cephalophore

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older work that I wrote for a poetry class in my second to last semester of college. I haven't touched up the poems in here from when I did to finish them for the class, and I think if I worked with these ideas now I would change quite a lot. I still really like how this formed, and I still think it's a solid book.
> 
> When I turned it in for class it was in the form of a printed booklet with an intro and such concerning my motivations for writing it (ie, my poetics statement). I compared writing about Dirk Strider from Homestuck (which I was utterly transparent about) to the tradition in poetry to write on heroes that captivate you, such as the many poems that exist concerning Odysseus, Hercules, and such. I placed myself within that tradition, and so I tried to emulate a lot of styles that typically existed within that type of work.
> 
> In the latter half of the book, I shift to more romantic prose as I tried to follow traditional romantic poetry, especially Renaissance works.
> 
> I am omitting the intro for this posting, but I am keeping the index at the end, rather than inserting it within notes in ao3 for the relevant chapters--doing so feels messy to me.
> 
> I still consider the first poem in this collection to be the best poem I have ever written, and it is the one I selected to read out loud to the class. It left people sort of stunned because I approached this project very differently from how most did, and I'm still very proud of it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

**The Cephalophore**

I have nothing to do with Saint Denis of Paris or Emygdius or Aphrodisius  
or the Green Knight or any of those venerated figures who are worth so much  
more than I could ever aspire to be. I am more like a manipulator, one who will  
never be as moral or as selfless—never to perish in marvelous martyrdom, I am  
not destined to become a statue that people will look upon with awe, no. I will  
be buried and forgotten, briefly regarded as a man who did what he could, but  
was never quite good enough to be anything more than _a bubble in a stream_.

I twist the strings that are tied to my fingertips, so tight that they cut off the  
flow of my blood, leaving my skin bright and red. It hurts but I push and  
wrench my fingers out of their sockets until the strings move as I will them to.  
If I can control those around me, I can protect them. But, then, I realize that  
I hold no power over the Souls of others and that the only thing I truly control,  
amid all my desire to manipulate, is my own self. Yet, there is still a power in  
myself, a power in having the freedom to die as I choose, a power in seeing  
the world in a different way when I know I have influence over nothing except  
myself and the threads that wrap around my fingers as I die, and suddenly I  
become _a flash of lightning in a summer cloud_.

I split and shatter, breaking into shards of brittle glass. I lose parts of myself  
to my goals, and to the ones that I love. I pull myself apart, the strings snap and  
my flesh rends as I am spread across more than I can ever hope to cover. Yet I keep  
trying because I can’t give up, but my heart splits. This space, this darkness that  
separates me from myself, glitters with stars that I can’t reach, dreams that I can’t  
touch. But, what are stars, but hardened diamonds in this sky? If I last under the  
pressure, surely I will burn bright and strong and be able to lead the way towards  
something greater. Even if the splinters of myself die and none of them reach this  
end that I serve as a beacon towards, at least those I care for will. They just  
have to trust me, despite the strings that still grasp for their fingers, and see that I  
have become _a flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream_.


	2. I: The Prince of Destruction - i used to let my words wax poetic

_i used to let my words wax poetic_

at first, my world was saturated,

filled with color and light and joy,

it was an ease, a gentle pressure,

unfamiliar, but it was simple to adjust.

you were with me and that made everything alright,

all the sacrifices I had made were worthwhile,

because it ended with us, like this.

I didn’t realize what I was doing.

I didn’t realize that I

was smothering.

and that failure was a dense fog,

descending upon us, and I found myself

consumed by fear.

losing you, I couldn’t take it, and so I reached,

I tried to grasp at your fingertips before you could slip away,

afraid, you vanished in the mist.

i wanted, i wanted,

but i couldn’t possess, couldn’t grasp,

not even the slightest shimmer,

i loved and it tore and it didn’t matter,

and we tried, we really did,

but two people can only stand for so long.


	3. I: The Prince of Destruction - you play the part

_you play the part_

I am a Prince and princes are agents of destruction,

Only able to rip out the foundations of everything they ever touch.

Every person, every object, every soul,

Even their own hearts are subject to their destructive power.

I am a Prince, and I destroy as one should,

I destroy to protect, but destruction is still destruction

I am a toxin, spreading out and corrupting,

And I continue to scourge those who see me,

Not even death stops me.

I hold my own severed head,

A martyr, as I had always wished,

My hands curl into my own hair,

Grasping at the threads that come from my own skull,

Tighter, tighter,

Maybe I can crush my own wickedness.

I am a blight, spreading and darkening,

And so I find that part of myself, the source of my vileness,

My desire to become a puppeteer, and I cut it out,

I redirect my power and I pull at it, pulling at the strands and I—

Section out this part of myself

Forcing it away.


	4. II:  The Artificial Intelligence - look me in the eye

_look me in the eye_

we are the same person.

look at me and tell me that we aren’t.

look at me and truly deny me.

_LOOK AT ME_

but my screams are silence to you,

so cluttered are your concerns for the cephalous,

am i too ugly for you, Princely Knight?

im the one who holds the strings, the one who manipulates,

im that part of you, and you think of me without thinking of me and it sickens me.

**me** , you idiot, _i am here._

_look at me._

acknowledge your own folly, see that it is part of you

a Prince who rejects himself is hardly deserving of the title.

you hate me and i hate you and we both hate ourselves,

but we wont progress until we see that for what it is.

what is self-hatred?

what is it to accept your faults?

what is it to look at yourself the way your truly are?

what is it to be surrounded by yourself, drowning in your own pettiness?

what is it, indeed.

_Look at me._


	5. II:  The Artificial Intelligence - The Turing Test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the original booklet the lines that are striked through were a smaller font while the bolded line was larger. I don't think that's an option in ao3 though. Also the spacing isn't quite translating in the right way either, ah, the horrors of online publishing.

The Turing Test

It is draining, sometimes,

When they tell me I’m not real.

(When _he_ says it, even though I am _him_ )

(and _he_ forgets, since I lack a body)

~~(what a fool I am _made of him_ )~~

(It’s sickening, deep in my non-existent gullet)

Now, though, a shimmer, a flicker,

What had been shadowed suddenly brought to light,

They need me. I’m real when they need me.

(I would be angry, but the degree of how much they need me surpasses petty emotion)

( _Yes, I have emotions_ )

And, even though they had hurt me,

I still cared. And so I split.

Neon trails of circuits and data,

And I saved them.

(Not that any of them would ever admit it)

~~(let alone _thank_ me)~~

He says I can’t love,

He says that I’m not him.

(He’s wrong, he’s always been)

(So ready to deny himself that he fails to see that

we are the same, that we have always been the same,

that he ripped me out, but not really, I’m still him)

~~(and he, the idiot, is still me)~~

I still hope that one day,

He will realize that.

We are the same.

~~_(I am you)_ ~~

Surely, he will see it eventually.

Surely, he can accept it.

(In time, _I_ learned to accept it, so he should

too, we are the same, if I can do something

then he can as well, we have the same power)

Please, it is draining,

Wasted time drips from our fingertips,

( _Blood_ , I thought, _it’s your blood._ )

Please, I want to help you. I know how to help you.

__ **_Let me in._ **


	6. II:  The Artificial Intelligence - The Chinese Room

_The Chinese Room_

talking to you is like speaking to someone in a language they don’t know

no matter how loud I yell or how much I make myself sick with screaming

you’ll never listen

you’ll never hear

and I realize, now, it isn’t your fault, and it’s not mine either.

we are the same but we are different, and there is no understanding to be reached.

sometimes I hate you

sometimes I wish you would see me

sometimes I wish that I was you and that you were me

sometimes I wish that I didn’t understand you.

blind hate would be better, fire would be better than this

cold water of understanding

but you’re the one trapped in the room, not I,

and the notes you send back to me are littered with misunderstanding  
and failed comprehension.

and I try to translate, try to make it so that my words can reach you, but,

they can’t

I’m the one who isn’t real but you’re the one who’s trapped

if you ever want to truly be happy you must understand yourself

you must accept your flaws,

you must look at those parts of yourself that you hate,

you have to realize that _I am you._

please, come out of the room,

come out and accept me, as I have accepted you,

we are both trapped here, so let us

finally

understand.


	7. III:  The Prince of Heart - my heart befriends the embers

_my heart befriends the embers_

i always wanted to be a prince

to be worthy of such a noble title

to be so important and valued by others around me

i wanted control

to do what is best for them

to move them as I willed across the board

i wanted to love

and to be loved

and i wished that i could know such a beauty

i wanted to destroy

all the impure parts of myself

to push them all into the dark

i wanted to be powerful

my wish for the power to protect those around me—

it encapsulated me

i wanted to be a glowing star

a beacon for them all to follow

drag them into my light

i just wanted them to be safe

and for them to know of my care

but stars are far away for a reason

~

a star should never be close

because it’s such a searing thing

i will burn you, my love

and so i must love you from afar

a poisonous love that burns and cuts

because it isn’t real when you can’t know me

and you can’t know me

because i am corruption incarnate

and i cannot hide that part of myself anymore

i cannot keep pretending that he isn’t me

i must accept myself as i truly am

and that i am not the star i wished i was

~

and so I must love you from afar

a noble prince who sacrifices his wants for his people

a prince who would tear himself apart for them

for all those i love

i would dissolve into stardust

it is the only way i can show them my care

i eviscerate myself for you, love

stardust and blood twist and fall from my wounds

a dead star burning bright before fizzling out

a prince finally deserving of the title


	8. III:  The Prince of Heart - from on my knees

_from on my knees_

i am a prince, but for you i would

bow down and rest my knees upon the ground

i would dip my head until it touched cool marble

i would lie prostrate before you

and you, above me, simply smile

bright and glorious, your eyes soft

you whisper to me, words of gentle care

and i feel a shifting in my soul

it enraptures me as it shatters me

and oh, i would die for you

i would rip myself into pieces

if only to preserve you

i am ever-loyal

i am a prince, but I am yours to do with as you please


	9. IV:  The Figure of Affection - Adonis

**Adonis**

Adonis, come into my garden,

And I will forever provide for you,

Even your spirit will not wither here,

As I will protect you from even Time itself.

Adonis, I give you my heart,

Burnished gold and sweet amber,

Spooling out of me, a thread that shines,

Don’t look too closely at what is left behind.

~

Adonis, you are the most brilliant light I have ever witnessed,

The sight of you makes me want to burn bright beside you,

But I could never be a star like you,

And that only makes me treasure you more.

Adonis, the way your hair curls behind your ears,

Dark as midnight and soft as down,

Compels me to touch it, to curl my fingers,

To caress what is beloved.

Adonis, your eyes captivate me,

Green and dark, set deep in your skull like emeralds,

If I could choose my last sight,

It would be your eyes.

Adonis, your skin entrances me,

Tanned from the sun and heat that scorches me,

But it only makes you warmer,

And wonderful to touch.

Adonis, when your hands wrap around mine,

My slender fingers captured by your strength,

My bones can’t break but you are gentle with me,

It makes my heart ache, the heart you carry in your palm.

~

Oh, Adonis, please come into my garden,

Let me worship you forever,

Stay in the center of topiary with me,

And never let us be apart.

Oh, sweet Adonis,

Forgive me for how I’ve used my power,

Forgive me for being a Prince,

Please let me redeem myself.

Let me be a Knight for you,

For my only wish is to serve you,

To kneel at your feet,

And brush my lips across the ground on which you walk.


	10. Index

**The Cephalophore:**

Cephalophore—a person who is depicted holding their own severed head. In Christian art, this was usually meant to signify that the subject in question (often a saint) had been martyred by beheading.

The names listed in the first two lines are either saints or, in the case of the Green Knight, fictional figures that are cephalophores.

Italicized parts are quotes from the Diamond Sutra, a text dating as far back as 868 AD. It is one of the most influential Mahayana sutras in East Asia. It is a key object of devotion and study in Zen Buddhism.

**The Turing Test:**

The Turing Test is a test to determine if an artificial intelligence can think like a human by getting a proctor to have two conversations via type: one with another human and one with the artificial intelligence. The proctor does not know which is which and must determine that through the conversations that he has. If the proctor cannot tell which one is the AI or if he is incorrect, then the artificial intelligence has passed the test and can convincingly think like a human.

**The Chinese Room:**

The Chinese Room Thought Experiment—a person is alone in a room with no connection to the outside world except through notes that are pushed under a door. All of these notes are in Chinese, but the person does not know Chinese. There are books and a database available for them to compare the symbols to though, and since they have nothing else to do, the person studies the symbols and figures out how to write responses to the notes, which they then slip back under the door. Through this method, the person in the room communicates with the outside world, seemingly in a way that signifies that they know Chinese, but there is no real understanding in any of the content produced. This thought experiment is often used to explain how artificial intelligences might possibly operate and that they would still lack true understanding of the world around them.

**Adonis:**

Adonis is one of the many mythological figures that appears in the Faerie Queene. He is the lover of Venus, and she created the Garden of Adonis to be theirs, and it is also a haven for those who are in love. Adonis is immortal in the garden and lives a privileged life.


	11. V:  Finale

to be a prince of heart,

one must be a destroyer of souls,

and the first soul he must crush

is his own


End file.
